0 – :18 – Why does Will.I.Am look like Bill Cosby doing an impression of someone?
:19 – Finally, someone wore their souvenir hat from hat from the Jaws ride at Universal. They’ll be so happy for the plug
:27 – Why is the lighting so dramatic? I thought this whole thing was a joke. I heard Tay Zonday is currently meeting with an art director for the opening number of the Billboard awards.
:41 – Why couldn’t they get a backing track without the vocals? I just picture them going back to the producer asking him to remaster the track and him giggling manically as he lights a cigar off a large denomination of won (Korean currency)
:45 – seriously this doubling of the voice is worse than me rapping along with “Jump Around” in a bar at 1a.m.
1:07 – Our first shot of a pretty person acting foolishly. He could be in One Direction (not worth googling)
1:19 – Kerry Washington has never looked more like a soccer mom, but otherwise she’s completely flawless. As you were Kerry.
1:34 – Watch in real time as the forced good time fades. The blonde who’s face I can’t place has her moment of, “Isn’t this fun? We’re having fun right?” but she underestimates the director’s patience for a quasi-celebrity dancing and stops having fun before they cut back to the action.
1:40 – Ohhhhh it’s infectious!
1:46 – Guy in vest internal monologue (I wore a vest, they sat me behind the hottest girl here, they gave me a green bandana, now let me show all those people in my high school how cool I am now…. Que horrific shame as he gives up)
1:55 – The one person who is not ironically enjoying this performance.
1:56 – The woman who desperately did not want to be shown on camera.
2:17 – I spoke to soon. This is the other person un-ironically enjoying this performance. Extreme beauty is freeing. Are you going to mock her? She looks like the wife of a drug king pin.
2:19 – The guy in the shot is either her gay friend and they have this much fun all the time or he is the most hopeful guy on the face of the earth.
3:01 – Do you think the producers were able to finish their sentence before Hammer said yes to this idea?
3:05 – Hey everyone in the audience, Eric Stonestreet (google fat gay guy from Modern Family) is showing everyone the appropriate look to have on your face during this performance. Call it confused delight.
3:13 – I would like more close-ups of Psy. I’m not sure he’s doing as well as Hammer.
3:18 – Heidi Klum, 39 years old, 1 part German, 2 parts Victoria Secret model, 5 parts mother of four
3:26 – Is anyone else disappointed that the guy with the big wall of hair from Hammer’s entourage is not part of this performance?
3:32 – Seriously Will.I.Am? You look like you’re killing time by playing with the souvenirs in a Vegas rest area.
3:47 – Hammer still hasn’t sung anything. Do you think they priced Hammer impersonators and discovered that this was cheaper?
3:57 – We would like to introduce you to the non-celebrity portion of the audience, bearded chubby guy and denim shirt girl.
4:05 – An underwhelming pyrotechnic display. This concept narrowly beat out two guns that said “bang”.
4:17 – Is that Chevy Chase doing the Arsenio Hall “whoop whoop”?
4:48 – This man has never had more fun doing anything else in his entire life. Just soak that in.
4:49 – Apparently, no one explained to the woman from Poltergeist who all of those people were.
4:57 – Bask in the carnage caused by these two powerhouses.
4:59 – Is that William Hung? I’m pretty sure that’s William Hung. It could’ve been him. It could’ve been him. Well, he doesn’t seem to be doing too bad for himself.