Dateline Madison, WI:
Once again, perplexed in his very own hometown, KanGo considers himself obligated to divulge another debacle, soon to be perpetrated on his fellow citizenry. MadTown, the state capitol and cradle of looney liberalism, is a city that seceded from the union the day after it was incorporated. What has transpired here as of late is more indicative of Fascism festering, just beneath its progressive cloak. A dumber-than-dumb alderman from the 14th District has come up with another of Madison’s over-educated examples of how to prevent a Boston-style bombing in this fair city. Book-smart Madison, a community that surpasses all other cities in cumulative college credits but ranks near the gutter in street wisdom, and has once again demonstrated its progressive prowess for all to ponder.
If ex-radical Mayor Paul and the council have their way, and they will, zippered backpacks will be outlawed, replaced by Madison-mandated, city-supplied clear Plexiglas packs. Originally this bill was adopted to prevent the homeless from becoming a threat to Madison’s bureaucrats. However, ever since the ever popular Populist busing program, which provides the down-on-their-luck, a free, one-way bus tickets to the city of their choice, the homeless phobia in Madison has subsided. Never to be deterred, the powers-to-be have recently expanded the law, zeroing in on the more than 40-thousand free-thinkin’ University of Wisconsin students.
Custom molded by Madison’s refuse container manufacturer, each see-through pack costs $75 and all students are required to utilize the packs throughout their college careers, then have the option to return them for a mere pittance. Therefore, beginning next semester, a limited quantity of used but reprogrammed packs will be available at UW bookstores.
Unbeknownst to the students, each pack includes a well-hidden GPS and fertilizer-ingredient detector. If at any time, any of the thousands of NSA-trained monitors, spying at an undisclosed bunker in Bulgaria, detect suspicious activity, Madison’s eye-in-the-sky drone, coined “Bulls-Eye” by a winning 3rd-grade contestant, will release a Bucky bomb toward the intended target. Collateral damage, hopefully, takes out any co-conspirators and spares valued university landmarks.
As a bonus feature, for an additional $19.99 per month, parents can monitor their kid’s binge-drinking toga parties and resulting sexual sorties. For only twice the intoductory price, just $150, the packs can be ordered with the “BP” option: packs made from space-age, bomb-resistant plastic and developed for the Special Forces by NASA. I know, I know it seems pricey but consider another recently approved initiative, designed to deter drinking in this beer-basted town. Chief, not so Noble hisself, now encourages the use of deadly force on any unsuspecting reveler with an assumed blood-alcohol content of more than 2.0. In light of this, another progressive first, KanGo highly recommends that all parents who care, purchase this option, especially considering it comes with a NATO-approved, Kevlar, 9-millimeter, bullet-proof vest.