Dateline: Cartagena, Columbia
Eleven, no wait, 14-members or maybe even 21, (who counts when your having fun) of President Obama’s Secret Service (Uniformed Division Officers) are under scrutiny for allegedly screwing their “Summit of the Americas” supplied escorts, every which way but loose. The trip’s focus is to boost economic ties, so it is highly hypocritical not support these ladies in their economic endeavors.
Self-described in the travel brochures as “purveyors of pleasure” and “copulatory kittens” these slippery sultry sluts have been solely credited with reinvigorating Columbia’s once sagging tourist trade. A presidential spokesman stated, “This is simply a merit pay issue and should not be misconstrued.
For god’s sakes, these men protect the president of the free world! Cut them some slack! The very least we should do as American citizens is to say thank you, then eagerly pay their transgressions. Besides, R ‘n’ R (relax and release) is standard issue for these mission-accomplished moments, and it is because of this lax policy that our high number of enlistments ensure the best and the brightest applicants available.”
He also went on to say, “The Hotel Caribe’s requirement for all female visitors to vacate the rooms by 5-am precipitated the problem. What happens to the “hello sunshine, 5-o’clock everwhere boner? How would you all like to be left high and dry…especially after stuffing a G-note in the G-string.”
Late yesterday, one lucious Latin lady of the night sought for questioning in the affair, came forward and accused her John of stiffing her more than twice…the third time for $770. Shame on you boy! Sounds like a deal made in heaven to KGV. A Columbian street vendor when asked for his opinion stated in fractured but discernable English,” Da Columbia people have inferior culture. Da Americanos should set an example.” Perhaps by pollinating their young women America is unknowingly elevating Columbia to eventual world status. Let us not forget, we Americans are melting-pot made, mongrels at best and the better for it (unless of course you are our current president, then…you’re just a mutty Moslem).
In a rare and unanimous decision by an emergency joint session, Congress vowed to investigate this beckoning crisis, leaving no holes unplugged. They have summoned the recently recommissioned Costa Concordia and its flamboyant captain, to transport all elected and appointed officials, excluding family members, but including several Supreme Court Justices (AKA the “frequent farters”) to Cartagena’s Hotel Caribe. Heading up the all-male review on this female fact-finding junket, is an ex-presidential candidate/flamboyant flyboy, donning designer Depends, he deemed “to get to the bottom of this.” Also on the invite list is a high ranking past statesman recovering from heart surgery and as always, accompanied by a team of cardiologists.
If all goes well and the ship steers clear of the rocks, America’s powers-to-be will be in America’s favorite port of call soon, drinking out of a coconut while covertly searching the sugar sands…for hot, steaming, cocoa-butter-basted beauties. Hot damn! They smell good enough to eat!
Stay tuned for part two: “BOYS WILL BE BOYS or WOODIES IN WONDERLAND”
Color me gone,